I actually remember the day our son walked across grass for first time -- it was about 4 months after getting home, and i thought "well, there goes our awesome invisible fence" (ie: the line between the deck and the grass!)... the little strides... the amazing things this boy has done...
In so many ways, our little birdie is ready to fly the coup, at least for a little bit -- he is talking up a storm - the stories he tells are hilarious and I have to peel myself off the ground sometimes with his discussions about "yesterday and right now and last week" because last week could mean 5 minutes ago, and yesterday could mean tomorrow. It is just funny to watch him grapple with the construct of "time" and the words that go with it, WHILE he is telling a story and trying to pinpoint exactly what story he is trying to tell...
Anyway, I have been writing a post in my head for a while now, to catch up on things - and overall it's a mental block as to how to write it.. So, just a quick note for now, and more soon. Likely this post will not make it into his book! I would love people's experiences & opinions here.. Because, you see, we know our little man needs to go to pre-school -- he needs to practice all the incredible things he's learned since he got home -- from June of last year until August of this year, this child has just stunned us with his ability to learn new things -- and generalize them appropriately into other learning situations... And he really needs some social time, with good emotional support, to practice how to be around other kids again (that is, without whapping them over the head for a needed toy, or pushing them because he really wants to say hello) without his mama there to mediate because he relies on me... We thought we found a great school -- open, cheery, bright, clean with basic social rules & also basic "clean up after yourself" rules and they seemed very nurturing. We learned from another parent during orientation that they have a drop off line. Ie: you pull up in your car, they open the door, and they take your child out of the car and into school. Bye bye. I approached the director and tried not to be overly pushy nor visibly shocked with her response. I quietly explained that he was adopted at 17 months and that overall he is doing phenomenally, but this would be his "re-entry" into school -- I didn't expect 1:1, and I don't expect nor want them to pitch any and all "issues" (that many kids have, adopted or not) on adoption, but I was hopeful she would understand that transitions are not his forte, and could we possibly consider some sort of compromise. This was during the "bring your child to visit" portion of orientation week. And, well, let's just say that her response was far from even attempting to understand his background, and the comparisons she made were extremely concerning and rang to the tune of "he met me today, so he will be totally fine if i take him from your car sometime in the next few weeks" (what? you think of yourself so highly that one meeting will impress a 2 year old? especially one in which he clearly noted his mama was not so happy?)... as well as my personal favorite... "don't you think the bio children will be sad to leave their mom's? you said he has been home for a year, so he will be fine". ahem.
Last night, at the parent only orientation, they kept saying "Separation has to happen somewhere" (agreed, and we want that for him and he needs that) and to "know that they may cry and be upset but after 2 or 3 weeks they get over it" (get over it? seriously. 3 weeks is 9 mornings of upset, tantruming, etc -- we do not need that right now, and why should we subject him to that kind of traumatic transition if we can find something else?)
We lost a lot of time and sleep and emotional over me NOT listening to my gut over health issues that were blown off for months as "typical behaviors". He ended up with stomach ulcers, severe reflux, and a major sleeping problem that impacted daytime behaviors. I wrapped up the summer feeling terribly inadequate and so upset that it took me months to really advocate loud enough for someone to hear.
And now, here we are, weeks later, and I realize: I need to follow my gut. I need to know that I and my husband know our son better than anyone else, and I don't care "trust the system" talk when it comes to emotional situations. I "trusted" earlier this summer and used all sorts of strategies that were for "typical" tantrums - the only thing we were left with was a disrupted relationship that we are now repairing...and while I want him to start in school, I want it to be the RIGHT school, with the RIGHT attitude, and the RIGHT situation. I will compromise on things, yes. It doesn't have to be a brand new building. It doesn't have to be 4 kids to 1 teacher. It doesn't have to have a lot of things> But it does need to have sensitivity to each individual child's needs, and respect for parents in terms of their knowledge of what compromises will help their children best succeed in the little "fly the coup" experience they have... because, in the end, isn't it each little experience that builds up and makes them secure, loving, compassionate, grounded adults?
Is it just me, or do other mom's internal hearts, souls, and minds scream: WHAT??? no, sorry, this doesn't seem right.
i feel like i have to validate my rationale, and yet, who cares what it is. for whatever reasons it is -
i am a ninny mom
i am overprotective
i am more sensitive to his past than his past will even come into play
i am worrying too much
i am appropriately sensitive to his past and it may come into play and i am wise to think about it
i have concerns over their lack of sensitivity overall
i "want it all" - a place that will respect his past as how it might impact him, but also respect it with confidentiality and NOT peg any and all behaviors (which are likely more normal than anything) on adoption
etc..
bottom line i keep thinking is: who cares.
my gut says that he is not going to deal wel with getting out of the car and starting his day like that.
my brain and heart also simply do not want this. i've waited a long time to have kids.
i, personally, had this vision in my head of walking in each morning to school, holding his hand, and helping him say hello to the teacher and his friends, get settled, and feel good that he was OK with me leaving... and that I would be the one crying in the halls, NOT HIM. I am the adult -- he is the kid -- I need to protect him, love him, cherish him, and do all I can to learn how to be the best mom possible.
so, we scramble now to find another option -
so far, we have found a place with a very small ratio (9 kids to 2 teachers) but not every day is the same set of kids (3 kids go 5 days/week) -- it has a loose curriculum in a nice sized room with clear stations; their philosophy is social skills first, learning as part of that (ie: look, your friend Suzy spells her name with a Z not an S) - and there is clear diversity within the kid and the teachers... they have a great outdoor area that LM wanted to play in yesterday. Their teachers are all early child hood certified but most have only been there a year or two (it is a relatively new center) and they have a snack room vs. snacks in the room, and in the snack room they get a fruit or vegetable then water or milk (stop laughing re: my old food nazi comments)...The concern here is that they are also a child care situation -- so some kids stay all day, and some kids go home. The "bonus" of this, however, is that if we ever needed to "Switch" days or wanted to add a day, it would be no problem (of course as my sweet hubby says in life, at some places you can do anything if you are willing to pay for it)... When I asked: why so few kids? their response was they have no interest in becoming a booming "everyone wants to go there" place -- they want each child to be nurtured, and learn, and supported -- and the best way to do that is to keep ratios low... I try to hard to trust and believe, but also don't want to be gullible... The other "good news" about them, is we can start next week or next month -- b/c they are year round, it is not a problem at all and as long as he starts by end of Sept, they will hold a slot for him.. so that gives us time to look around more...
A second place came recommended by moms in the moms club we are in -- 4 or 5 kids go there from the responses I got when I sent out an "APB" to them (they are an incredible source of support!)... this place has 11 kids (2 teachers) that is an older building, smaller room with not clear cut stations b/c the rooms are pretty small.... their philosophy is all social, not worried about learning letters/etc (which he knows anyway and can "read" several books to us already -- including ones he hasn't seen in months, which is crazy)... they are less expensive, but their teachers have been there 30 years (lead teacher) and 5 years (assistant)... i know several other moms who go there, and while it's not fancy, they really appreciate what their children have learned.
a fantastic place that is over where we are hoping to move (we need a bigger house when LM's sibling comes along -- we are in a 800ish square foot house right now, with 2 bedrooms; kids will share but we have no play space). anyway, this place is where a really great old friend's kids have all gone. While the ratio is higher (1:7), the rooms are at least 2x the size -- with very clear, organized stations, a developmental approach but a structured every day has circle time, Gross motor time, snack, etc. They have an incredible indoor play space/gym with wooden climbing structures and ride on toys. They are NAYEC certified building and they were stunned to hear "drop off line" -- they require all families to bring their children in, wash their hands, and help their child take their name plate and photo and "check in" every day with the teacher (ps: place #1 does the same thing)...I see why all 3 of my friend's kids went/go there, and why she is on the board. I wanted to sign up on the spot, regardless the slightly steeper price tag. I know LM would THRIVE at this place. Hands down. the downside -- we went to visit today - we left at 8:20 and got there at 9:05. And today is a holiday (Rosh Hashanah) and schools were off. If the class was 10 - 12:30, it would be a no brainer - we simply live in a weird little pocket on the opposing side of a big highway, and it takes at least 20-30 minutes to "get over" to the "other side" (which is where we are hoping to move but have not yet found a house)...
In ALL 3 of these places, he would be with 3 year olds and a few about to turn 3s (like him)... which we love. He is like our local football team: when around older, more mature, coordinated, and strong players/teams/kids, he plays up... When he is around younger, more immature, less sure of themselves teams/kids, he plays down and it never ends well. I would be delighted to have him in an "older" room.
Am I crazy here? Would you agree with us that the "drop off line" place is not for us? (and worry that if they are that "strict" on that rule, how sensitive will they be if he has other issues?)
I feel like instead of "house hunters international" (a late nite fav of mine) it is "preschool hunters"...
which would you chose?
1) the small ratio, slightly higher place but is ratio too small or "just right" in terms of helping him re-aquaint himself with the concept of social interactions without mom around?
2) the larger ratio, older building with a good heart that is lower priced?
3) the place that is larger ratio but their philosophy and approach and rooms are great, but with the higher price tag (worth finding the funds at this point if you ask me) unfortunately means you and your child have a 45 minute commute (on a good day)...
And, being just a few days "away" from the start, what would you do?
thoughts and opinions so welcome!!
THANKS for "listening" and thoughts...
9 comments:
Bless your heart. (BTW--SO love International House Hunters late at night too!!)
As an early childhood teacher, I can honestly say that there are SO many different philosophies of what's right and what's not out there--and pretty much, each and every one can be backed up by some sort of research and evidence of success.
So that's where your gut comes in and you as the parent decide which best meshes with your philosophy. I completely agree with the 1st school in that separation will come at some point, and that there is merit to showing kids that they will be ok without mommy or daddy.
However, I think that developmentally, that's more a kindergarten age-level thing. In fact, most elementary schools have the 'kiss-n-go' lane and I always feel bed for the kindergarten parents because even that's tough at that age. Some kids are great with it--that's their nature and personality and it works for them. But three? I just think that's a bit young and more convenient for the school than it is good for the kids. But that's just me...and other people and teachers can give lots of good reasons opposing.
The second school with the larger ratio and older facilities wouldn't bother me--as long as the ratio stayed the way it was--the lack of definition for centers is not really a big flag because kids that age could really care less--they just want the the opportunities the centers have and don't need the boundaries as much as we think they do for the delineation. My only concern with the 2nd school would be the ratio not getting too much bigger and making sure they were willing to understand that you as mom also need to be as comfortable as LM. If they are willing to make sure you are comfortable with his care too, that will go a long way!
The 3rd place sounds great too, even with more money and the commute--but if you feel that you can get the same results at the second school that you could at the 3rd, you could save yourself a commute and $! It could be quality time talking with LM, but it could also be quality time spent with him OUTSIDE of the car and without the distraction and frustration of traffic. The thing with it though is that if you do move soon, and went with the 2nd place, would you then have a commute there? If you are looking to move soon to the area that the 3rd one is, maybe that might make the commute issue not so bad for the short-term.
My two cents. Bottom line, I'd totally go with your gut. As long as you feel he will get what you want him to get at either place, go with the one where you feel the most comfortable--where they seem to listen to you the most and want to support you. That makes all the difference!!!
xoxo
Amy K., you're a great mom & can trust your gut feelings regarding your son. My jaw dropped so far open when I read about the drop-off line for a 2-year-old that I still can't get over it! If you're looking for an opinion, I'm definitely with you for high-tailing it out of there. LM is very bright & will learn all that he needs to learn to be educated, but what he needs most at his age, like most little ones, are the social skills. So, I'd opt for that, in one of the places that emphasize that. Being in a child-care place was good for JT when he was little because even though they learned fun things,it was mostly socialization at this age. Later, when he went to pre-K,they all learned what they needed to know at that point. So, I'm wondering if it's possible to get him into one of the places closer to you, with an eye to switching to the 3rd place when/if you move? It's all about your mother's intuition telling you what you feel will be best for your son's needs. You want him to be happy, secure & learn to play with other kids in a happy, secure setting, right? So,where's that leading you? Where do you feel that he'll best achieve that? Where will the teachers be most compassionate & caring? After all, he's not even 3 yet. It'll take great, loving teachers to help him adjust to life away from all he's known for over a year. But,when he starts having fun, the separation will become much easier. As an aside, are any of the teachers dark-haired? :) I'm keeping all of this in my prayers, Sweetie, & know you'll be guided to the right place. Love,AN
A drop off line???!!!! I am appalled. Seriously. And I am not nearly as sensitive or overly protective as you are (wink wink). I have never heard of a pre-school drop-off line. We don't even do a drop-off line for C in kindergarten. We walk him up to the school and stand near the lunch area where he waits for his teacher until his teacher comes, then send him on his way. So, um, yeah, I agree with not going to a school with a drop-off line. There are different levels of separation and kicking your kid to the curb...literally...seems a little extreme to me.
As for all the other considerations, well, I think those are all personal preference type things. We tried to choose the option that provided the least amount of transitions, as in, we didn't want to transition to pre-school, then another pre-school, then kindergarten, for the same reasons you spoke of--transitions are not our forte.
Obviously choice 3 seems to be your favorite, but for the commute, which is a huge factor. I hate a lot of car time. But I have found a bonus side effect to car time. For some reason, my kids are more apt to talk about more serious issues and we have better conversations in the car than anyone else. Perhaps they feel more secure/less pressured to talk by sitting behind me where I can't really see them? I have learned a lot about them in the car, believe it or not.
Otherwise, I say choose the one that works best for you and yes! follow your instincts. You'll make the right choice. And if for some reason you don't, you can always fix it. Not ideal, but possible.
So happy to see that everyone else's jaws dropped when they heard about dropping off a 2 1/2 year old at the curb! Makes one ask, "what ARE they thinking and how can this be good for a child?" (you also heard my other thoughts on what they are thinking). I remember walking you and Uncle Brian into school when you were 5 and 6; how can a little one not have separation anxiety when being handed off to a near stanger from the back of a car!!!
All good advise from friends and AN. Your gut will tell you where he needs to be. Yes, it'd be great if you could find the right house SOON on this side of the big highway so he could go to the school you'd choose first and also be closer to us, but you will find that house eventually and he'll change schools if needed and be fine because you will help with any transition. You are not being "over protective", you are being a loving, caring, concerned Mama.
He has really come so far, even in the last month since finally getting the right diagnosis and treatment, and with his great parental support. He is so hysterical with his vocabulary lately. Seems he's learned to talk overnight, going from a word or two, to full sentences and stories and such stories! I think I heard the word "yestaday" about 30 times the other night while watching him. He also has, as you know, a very vivid imagination with his play and stories. It's hard to listen with a straight face. Doesn't hurt that he's also such a cute kid!
Hang in there, Amy. You are doing right by him! Love, M
Sorry, but WTH?!?!?
I dont like that at all and truthfully have never heard of a preschool drop off line in all the places I went to see and all the people I know who have their kids in preschool.
I want to walk my child in, sign them in and know they are safe in their room, not have to pull away in a driveway and hold my breath.
Yes, sometimes you have to walk away when they are crying, only to peek in 2 minutes later and they are happily playing. yes, they need to learn separation, but seriously? Alek's elementary school doesn't even have a drop off line. You walk your kid in!
Also, The fact they were not willing to be flexible with you would also be a red flag to me. I want to know that my kids teacher is going to be flexible and take into account certain issues.
Follow your gut, there are plenty of good places around here for what he needs!
Amy, call me. I'd love to share my experience with you. I don't know if you recall, but I spent 8 mos last year working on Nola's separation at preschool. (I attended preschool all over again ... staying in the room until she was comfortable. It was the school's idea, and I took their advice.
Then summer camp came and she was confident and just walked right in like she owned the place.
Now we're into the new year and she's 3, and we are having small issues once again.
Like someone else said, at 2 and even 3, you want a safe, secure, LOVING environment for your child.
Let me know if you want to talk for more of my .02 and experience.
You are a fabulous mommy. Big love. x
Very, very small voice chiming in here. My kids' preschool has always had a drop off policy. It seemed crazy at first, but like many transitions (getting rid of bottles, potty training, etc) seems very normal now.
That being said, you are the mom and I would go with what you feel is right. It is unlikely that his preschool experience is going to determine which Ivy league school he goes to for college, so chose the one that you love the most and that you think he will enjoy and flourish in.
Hope all is well! I think that LM will love preschool. Peter loved school last year and this year. John is going for the first time this year and just loves it too!
Hugs from Dallas.
Amy, as you know, I am not a mother, but since you asked for comments, I will give you my thoughts.
Having spent the most time with your LM, you most likely do know what is best for him and have every right to look for a preschool that will meet his needs best. While I'm sure you know that, it sounds like you keep being told that you can't possibly know that since you aren't a preschool teacher who has studied young kids. I definitely think it makes sense to find a school that is respectful of his issues and can work with him on them (even if the class has two teachers for 16-18 kids like my preschool did). So, my thought is option 2 (or 3 if you want the car ride that should eventually get shorter-and conversely longer for option 2?). You mention that LM seems to do well playing up, so I would think a larger number of kids to be around wouldn't hurt him as in option 2 you have quite a few different kids he could be around and get to know although the number of kids each day is smaller.
I'll keep you guys in prayer that you identify the right option for your family :-)
Hi Amy! Boy do I feel bad...I've been such a negligent friend not having the time to read and chime in when you needed advice. I JUST updated K's blog and figured "I better take a few moments to catch up and WHAM!"
Finding a pre-school for K last year was tough. When it came down to it, I went with the school that I instinctly just "felt right" about. No drop off lines there...in fact, they have an open door policy and can come in any time of the day to hang out and watch (oh, if only it was that easy...and then leave without K? nah-uh...)
They have been understanding of all my requests (i.e. to keep her in the 2-year old class when she turned 3 since she had only been there 4 months and her new friends were staying in the 2 y.o. class -- I wanted some consistency for K since she never had it before!).
Our commute is very short but we use it to sing, talk, or point out lots of stuff out the window. If you truly plan on moving, then maybe the commute won't be too bad for a short while.
Overall, like everyone said, just go with your gut. (Ha, by now I'm sure you already have!!) K's school was a tad more $$ but I felt we were getting more, too, so it has been an investment.
It sounds like LM is progressing so wonderfully and school will excelerate him even further. K's social skills and English just skyrocketed! Oh, the things she coms home and says leaves us in stitches daily.
Hugs to you all during this new transition. It was sooo hard at first but it has been wonderful, Thank God.
Thinking about you!!!
~Laura xoxo
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