Wind, Wings, and Adoption Things

Soaring. It is an interesting concept. In my lifetime, I have prided myself on my independence and resilience. Of soaring out there on my own, sometimes with fun winged friends, and other times solo....

As crazy as it sounds, I am almost starting to appreciate the journey this adoption has taken us on. Seriously. Before we started this, I think I had this picture of "soaring" in my head...
Granted, for the last 11 years, Jeff has been a great sharer of the skies with me, but always has he allowed me to shine my independent streak.... However, I realized early on, that on this adoption journey, I soared not alone. Ever. From the very beginning -- which country? which agency? it was clear, no matter what, Jeff was with me... and, in fact, more often times he was the one pushing us forward into the skies, holding me up, blowing wind at my back, carrying us through the hard times when it was too rainy to fly.... On sunny days, he was right there, too, optimistically flying high above the mountains with his binoculars out going, "where is he? where is our LM (little man)?"

Last summer, with all the "stuff", we made a decision, and since then Jeff and I have quietly chosen more often to give ourselves some "us" time after years of "passing in the night" between jobs and school schedules.. The events that have happened seem unbelievable, crazy challenging adoption journey... But, each and every event and "miss" led to conversations... conversations that I swear have made us closer. I truly believe these opportunities and chats have added depth to our relationship and will only help further our ability to parent a child together. I never realized it was possible to love this man more, but it is. Every single day we get closer to the end of this journey and start of the one as a family, I do. I feel so fortunate. I can't wait to see this guy as a dad -- it's almost as much fun as thinking about a day that LM will be home!

I have become closer to my aunt and uncle who adopted 35 odd years ago... we have had talks about adoption, and the sheer desire to have a child to the point you'll do anything to get there, and what that might mean... and then only to realize -- it is not up to us.. it is a part of the greater plan and to try to hold onto the reigns and direct the ride may simply serve to direct you the long route!

I have found a deeper meaning behind faith and spirituality, and with that a host of other new friends, cheerleaders, and great music that bears huge meaning in my heart and soul.

I have been blessed to have grown closer to the group of women I've worked with for years... The best IA team ever, in my biased view of the world... I knew I was lucky for them as fellow professionals and sharing in the joy of supporting other families, but i had no idea how this journey of ours would be one we could take together....and make us more of a family....

I have found greater respect and love for all three of my parents, as if that is even possible. They have been incredible through all this... although they do not know all the details, they know a majority of them, and they have absorbed our pain and helped us move on..... I know, along the way, that absorbing our pain gave them pain to see us both deeply saddened by the different events and adoption "miscarriages"; we are grateful for their willingness to take on our pain, and help us get through... I know that our LM will bring as much joy to their lives as he will to ours.

I have learned that great old friends who I would talk to generally only when I called or emailed them first now initiate contacting me, just to check in. And, I have learned that telling the whole story to good meaning old buds who check in from time to time gets me no where. Not that they are not willing to listen, cry with me, etc... more so that repeating the Kaz story over and over this summer and crying each time was so out of character and uncomfortable for me, and ultimately didn't let me move on as quickly as I should have... We can't move backward, we can only move forward. These old and good friends call with positive energy and hope for us... And, so, I have learned to only share the positives, the moving forward and not tell the crazy stories over and over with each call...... And, honestly, it feels good to move forward, and I love them for calling, not pushing, and allowing me to put on my "game face"... it has helped volumes to practice positive even when I didn't always feel it.. and I do think each of those calls did leave me feeling better.....

I have even more love and respect for my pal in Cal... she knows the entire story. Every stinking, crying, tear of it... She will be the best mom in the world when she is ready, and I know she wants that for herself too... and she has amazingly been a positive energy, regardless what the topic... never judgmental, always understanding... an incredible, amazing soul who I wish more than anything in the world finds her family soon... I know that they are waiting somewhere for her, just like she assures me that LM is waiting for us...

I have realized that I am not under control. Seriously. Stop laughing. It's true. And that has changed me, profoundly. As I think to the months behind and the years ahead, I hope that I continue to realize I am not in control, and things will happen with time, and that I cannot force them to happen sooner nor in "my way". I tell my families when they are working on attachment challenges "Your child doesn't understand that it can be FUN to not be in control" and that they can trust in others. I always say "kids try to take control when they are stressed; adoption transition is stressful, and they seek to be rigid to gain some stability over the stress they are feeling".. ironic, but in our journey to become parents, I have realized I have been no different than the kids... And that, since making "the big leap", I truly have been at peace with how things will go... and slowly my actions are starting to fall in line with my peace... And you know what? It is fun (ok, and scary!) to hand over the keys, but letting someone else drive really can be fun!

This journey has grown my friendship with our friend Kris so much stronger... I think I owe her a new spatula for all the times she peeled me off the ceiling and floor over the last year.... I can't wait for our kids to play together...

Finally, this journey, this soaring towards a land far far away, has taught me something incredibly valuable about friendships, and the complete kindness and caring of women who were once strangers. I am grateful for our "adoption miscarriages"... Each of them led me to the unexpected joy to know people I never would have met if they hadn't happened.... People who, even though we've not met in person, and some never even talked on the telephone, have become incredibly supportive people who I feel honored to call friends. and I am so fortunate for the group I now love calling my "FAM" (fellow adoption moms)... We WILL see that day of rented beach houses in Florida ladies -- families in toe, and wine flowing.

Ultimately, this journey has taught me the true meaning of soaring. And with it, a new vision of what it really means...

"Soaring"....
yes, I've learns so much in these last 2 years of our journey... about finding the wind when you think it's lost, about gathering of energy under my wings with the help of others, and about all sorts of other amazing adoption things..
and for all this and more, I am grateful for our experience...
We soar not alone, but together...
What a beautiful way to soar into what we hope is the sunset of our adoption journey... as we await the sunrise of our day as a family of four.. (don't forget ashton),
I am grateful for those with whom I have the true honor to soar.....