Even Steven: October 21, 2010

While I have never had the chance to parent a child born biologically, I truly think that parenting a child adopted internationally is distinctly different... We all had a lot to learn! In the last 17 months, we have learned about parenting, relationships, and history. Before summer, I rarely if ever questioned what LM needed & what we did just "made sense" -- Since summer, I've questioned "good parent" and my name in the same sentence, self labeling the concept as an oxymoron more times than I care to consider... Interestingly, my friend Kristy posted something I had already had on my mind for a few months and was really trying to reconcile: Past - Present - Future. His, mine, my husbands. Ours. This summer we were all put to the test to reconcile "time life" differences. That said, as this is a journal for LM, I won't bore you with details that I think all of us here on the river would rather move forward from... Away from our more recent past, and learning from each of our far away pasts so that we can move on, if you will...
So rather than details of that, let me share the smiles & fun & inspirational times in the last month... I am so happy to report that, we have re-found ourselves: smiles have come much more naturally... an indication, we hope, that means hopefully our pasts are, indeed, moving further behind us...

"It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere" October 2010 W1 Why the raincoat, you ask?

Just like the summer "past meets present" took us off guard.... ahem...We started the month with a little "surprise"...

Yes, that IS the deck rail were you typically see our LM sit... and yes, it is completely several feet under water... but, you know what?

...Flood Waters DO go down Down...Mud DOES get scraped up (thanks Papa!..).

And "It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere" Do Come Back Around...
And amazingly, We are All Smiles.
All the time.
Just call us the "Smile Channel"
(Elmo world fans, anyone?) Oct 2010 - Week 2

I can't really say what happened to help us turn the corner --- all I know, is that this little boy is just the best thing on this earth for us, and that October is almost back to where we were in April -- we have had more good days than not good days... I must admit, there were days layered on days, and nights upon nights, that I truly wondered what had happened and if we'd ever be the "same" again -- The bottom line is that our poor LM was in great discomfort, we couldn't figure out a solution, and we lost a lot of ground in emotion regulation and trust and attachment... And I struggled to separate behavior from boy, which will always make me feel awful because oh how I love this little boy... I read everything I could on parenting. I talked to anyone who would listen to try to find an answer... For LM, I truly believe our responses to the behaviors (everything from time ins, time outs for him, time outs for us, well -- they tested his trust in us and strained the relationship we were building...and the skills we were all learning..)
This month brought back more smiles that touch us deep deep in our souls and re-affirm we were all meant to be together.... Past, Present, and Future.

He was so cute on this particular morning -- I had told him the night before was "picture day" at school -- that morning, he woke up, and asked "Pictures today?" (he forgets NOTHING). I said, "yes, we need to be sure you look nice so I need to trim your hair" - he sat there, let me cut his hair, and then asked "mama, you put your hair goop in my hair" (meaning my no-frizz and mouse)... So I did and he watched all the while in the mirror, smiling... Don't tell papa... Ooops, I guess we just did by putting it in here!! :)Picture Day at School... Pre-Party

We have also re-initiated our late spring efforts in the potty, now that he is feeling better -- and knock on wood, so far so good.

...Potty Time with "Work Boots" On!...

He LOVES these boots. My Aunt Eileen gave us this great back of clothes that included these boots. He LOVES LOVES LOVES wearing them (many thanks, AE!!). Mind you, they are at least a size too big, but he does not care and the good news is, we'll get a lot of wear out of them! LOL. He calls them his "work boots" and he puts them on and goes into one of his MANY cute little "social stories" (says mom the OT)... this social story goes like this:

• LM: Mama, I going up on the roof with my work boots. You tell me "be careful"
• Mama: LM, woa, look at those work boots.
• LM: They are cool, Mama.
• Mama: yes, LM, they ARE cool. You going on the roof now?
• LM: Yes, you tell me "be careful"
• Mama: LM, please be careful, I love you and want you to come down safe.
• LM: OK Mama, I be safe, bye bye (and he pretends to go over to the "roof" and hammer.. then pretends to climb down.. and proceeds with his "story").. See Mama, I fix your roof in my work boots, I back and I was careful.

I could go on and on about his various stories -- they are really funny these little "routine play themes" he goes on. This one was inspired by the "re-peat" story line of our roof. For sillies, go back to summer, 2009 post - about 3 weeks home and torrential rains led to our bedroom roof falling on us. Fast forward to this summer, serious rains, and hey, apparently the roof man last year was safe, but he did not fix our roof right... and had to come back this year to try again. And LM could not get enough of watching the men on the roof. AND apparently climbing ON the roof. Yes, Papa, LM told ME that story.. And i believe him :) LOL

What else? He is really enjoying and doing well in school... They had their first field trip to a local farm and hayride... Lucky Papa as it was a "mama go to work" day, so Papa got to go on the trip! :)

First School Field Trip - Really, he DID have fun!

In case anyone missed them as much as I did after the "big cut", take a peek at something else bringing me smiles this month...

... Yes sir eee.... the Curls are Back in Town...
What woman wouldn't love running their fingers thru these locks, I ask??

What was it that "made the change" to get us back on course? The books we read? The new knowledge? My sheer determination to put aside my OWN fears and anxieties surging up from my past in order to ensure that EVERY DAY I did all I could to help this little boy feel loved and secure in our love for him (sometimes I think others watching may have felt that efforts were over exaggerated even)???... I found myself going back to all the attachment and "baby" games we played when we first got home -- and using some incredible tips from "Raising your Child without Raising your Voice" -- and employing "mama time outs" and "verbal behavior" strategies (thanks for those, too, AE!)... Regardless all that, it was a day I was checking email and the daily response from Joel Osteen arrived... and call it what you will, well, I practically felt blanketed with a peace come over me when I realized... Perhaps part of it was that we were finding ways to realize, as Kristy put it so well: "Our past does not need to be our future"...

"…But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind straining toward what is ahead"
(Philippians 3:13, NIV) Joel went on to type me this very personal letter, it was so nice of him, don't you think??? (ha ha ha ha ha) that said something like "Remember, it doesn't matter what's happened in your history, it's time to forget what lies behind. Make the choice today to press forward. Trust that God has a better future in store for you. Trust that He's working behind the scenes on your behalf."

And, move forward we did... Well, with some "appropriate" consideration to the past... Ie: We also got to begin the "repeats" -- Ie: first round of holidays where it's our "2nd time" -- YAHOO! Which means I got to ensure that we "re-do" last year's "Traditions" to lock them in!! Halloween time meant a backyard bon fire on a sunny afternoon to do our pumpkin thing!! :)

Traditional Pumpkin Carving Ceremony:

Pizza & Campfire

...Dancing Around the Campfire with "The Holiday Torch"...

...Added fun this year -- Pumpkin Carving with Papa & Cuzns KK and Jack at Gamma & Grandad CoCo's...

LM said "Mama, I make happy jack o lantern like dog in book" (We read the "Plumply Dumply Pumpkin" right now and he loves the end where the dog, cat, and duck all have different "perfect pumpkins" making "perfect jackolanterns too"....

The weekend before Halloween we went to his first Halloween party... After he saw all the other kids, we were able to get him into one of the "costume options"....He decided he would try his out...

...Have you ever seen such a cute Pooh Bear?

He was a little apprehensive about the whole thing, but one thing was for sure - there was no question about the pumpkin iced cookies! :)

Aside from the flood, October seemed to be a beautiful month, with lots of outside on the deck fun, including some good play with our neighbor, M... M is about 10, and is actually really good with LM... We live on a very small, quiet street, and really, this is "it" as far as other "kids" anywhere close to us...

..."It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere" Neighborhood Buddies...
October 2010 Week 3

Also this month brought LM and I had our first road trip!! I have been waiting SO LONG to be able to do this! I was planning a "mom and LM" trip in the spring when "all things summer 2010" broke lose, and clearly this kind of outing was put on the back burner... As things were settling in and it was safe to try sleeping at someone's house and trust that our hosts would actually sleep, too, I decided to go for it! I have great college friends & my old Cali Backpack buddy who all live in Baltimore... LM and I packed up one weekend late in October and "drove south" (john hiatt lovers, hence the new song on our playlist!)... And hung out with Aunts - Debbie, Becca, Tracy, and Teresa -- and their kids!

"Horsey Horsey Carry Me" With Buddie E.

E. is one of my friend Becca's 3 kids.. She is a great kid and LM loved playing with her! We are so lucky to have E. as one of our "neices" in our crew of college family....And hope to play with her and her brothers more someday!

"Mama, Look... this is my horsey, M..."

M. is Debbie's little sweetie -- she looks so much like Aunt Debbie it is just crazy!! I look at her and think of our days in college because she really resembles her mom THAT much. Both in beauty and in silliness...

Music Anyone?

Again, LM amazed me. He has only seen drums 1 other time. He went right up to them, picked up the sticks, and started playing almost to a tune. I can't wait to start music lessons with this kid... and I do wonder (for the positive) what his genetic past could tell us about his musical inclination because he is really soo interested beyond the usual "almost 3 year old" fascination!

Horsing Around... Heading into a game of "Let's All Pile on ____"... which he now plays regularly with us and loves!

... Making Cookies....

..."What is this about putting sprinkles ON the cookies? Why can't we just sprinkle them straight in our mouths?"...

And, of course, there is the Halloween Day Set of Traditions...
First...

...Visit Papa at Work!!...

"It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere Halloween Style" October 2010, Week

... Have Pizza Dinner with Cool Cuzns KK and J...

...Put on Cute Costumes...Anyone notice something awry here?...

Ah yes, he wasn't Pooh bear, nor was he the Monkey outfit I actually bought for him... I had been working for weeks on trying to get him interested in those - the party w/ pooh was actually a big feat for him (note tho no hood up!)... On the actual day of Halloween, LM refused to be pooh or monkey...So I asked him - "what do you want to be?" and he told me "I be goalie. I be hockey player". Ok, well then, that shoots my theory that at just under 3 he doesnt' really "get" Halloween and that this was my last year to chose. And so, independent and creative little soul went happily as a Philadelphia Flyers -- carrying his hockey stick everywhere and chanting "Let's Go Flyers, Let's Go.. cha cha" wherever he could. Crackin me up.

... Gang is All Here... Trick or Treat time!!...

So, what was it? I do wonder if the rule "Even Steven" has any role here. You see, this month, we also hit our "EVEN" point. I have no idea how many folks who grow families through adoption think about this, but I can't even tell you how many times I've thought about, even tho it was ONLY 17 months, it WAS 17 months without us. And that means thousands of times where he cried and no one helped shape his emotion regulation. Where he hurt himself and no one responded. Where he did something good or learned something new, and no one took notice. Where he smiled, laughed, coo'd and no one told him he was the cutest thing ever. All the things that shape who children's minds and brains are.... Coming from an infant mental health background, 17 months is a long time to be on one's own, "raising" oneself, if you will. And this month, we officially hit the exact number of days he was the captain of his own ship, to being on our family cruise, and learning how to enjoy life as a passenger = that being the captain has too many responsibilities & control & stress for a little man... And, here we are. 17 months = 17 months. Somehow that has got to factor into the shift in subtle and not so subtle things we are seeing...

"It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere" November 2010, Week 1 - Ready to Rake and Roll...

Dear LM -- as we press forward together, I do believe you will know the favor, grace and blessing upon you .... and I will do all that I can within my power to help you learn all you need to have an abundant life.... We cannot even remember life before your silly smile and bountiful laughter came to us -- Thank you for the courage and all that you did to reach this point with us -- Life is now Even Steven buddy. We love you so much. Let the new set of future games & Tours begin :)