...Bring on the children...

Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.' Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth - Isaiah 43:5-6

Signs. I believe in them. Sorry, but I do. Always have, always will, always look for them. How I look for them, however, has changed -- I swear, a big part of me tries to run 20 steps ahead of myself in life, just to post my own signs.. (ok, that is the nice way of putting it. face it -- i don't like not having control.)

Last week in church, this great quote came up, and I just loved it -- That is exactly what we are trying to do!! A sign?? depends on what kind of person you are!! I wondered ...a big question that has been under debate in our house recently (i am not sure if it is just us, or every adopting family, but in the recent months as we get "closer" it is REALLY HARD to have any discussions that are not in some way, shape, or form related to our family and adoption journey! Seriously. take, for example, going past Wawa to get gas on the way to a road trip w/ the new car -- Jeff says "hey, Amy, do you want anything from inside WaWa?" and i hop out, go in with him, and get myself a banana and a cup of tea, and say to him, "I guess when little man is home, you'll have to go into WaWa for me". Now who would think a quick run into WaWa while getting gas would precipitate a chat about who will mind the child when we are heading out for a road trip to go hiking?)... So,anyway, the question --"Do you think we should consider 2 kids versus 1?" A lot went into this question..

We've gone back and forth on this -- the time that our journey has taken us has had us very much considering all of our decisions to this point (and, me, of course, looking for signs). What kind of signs are around to guide us or give us hints? Original plan (start with 1 child?) or "modified plan" (should we adopt 2 children at once?) We've really considered this -- we had ourselves approved for 2 when we made "the Switch"... the agency knows we're wondering re:2.. but the realities of 2, who are older and bigger age difference, from parenting resources to space, etc we've been discussing...We want a big family and we are far "behind our schedule" -- who knows if we'll have the resources (IA stamina included in the "resource" concept!) for a 2nd adoption at this point -- We've gone round and round about starting w/ 1 and then going back for a 2nd from the same area... and if we have the physical space resources and stamina to adopt 2 this time-- we asked Brent if it is possible for 2 under 24 months (answer: "no, it's not possible")... And if not, if we have 1 under 24 months and 1 around 3 years of age, can we do that right now??? Would we be being fair to the kids if we brought home 2 vs. 1 at the same time... would they both thrive given the need for work, and more importantly, space with our house -- 2 kids raised from babies, no problem.... 2 of the same developmental needs, like 2 18 month olds, or 2 15 month olds, or a 15 and 12 month old.. sure, bring it on...2 kids who at different points in time may both need a "quiet/re-group" space of their own to do just that?

ah, well, our cozy bungalow may not quite support that -- we only have 2 rooms with doors on them! our BR and the kids room... And, in terms of transitioning 2 toddlers with attachment risk, could we give enough attention to both? etc... The latter, i think the answer is yes -- i've had the luck of knowing many families who both kids and parents thrived adopting 2 at one time -- and i really do think we could do it from an emotional resource and shared effort perspective... the people we know who've done it are awesome--it's challenging, sure, but parenting is that anyway, be it 1 or 2 (or so i feel even w/ ashton!).. but, truly, space never became so apparent -- didn't rebuilt the house b/c we've been waiting for an adoption to go thru, but now wondering about our adoption plan and wishing we had more space to not let space be a reason to not consider 2.... 1 settled in, then prepping to share a room with a 2nd, that is possible.. 2 littler guys of the same exact age and developmental state who could safely "re-group together", yes... 2 of very different re-group and developmental needs...questionable space... Every time I left Romania, the only way I could was with the promise "I am sorry I am leaving you, I promise I will come back and bring 1 of you home as soon as I can." And then we'll be back again to get more of you.... But, should we do 2 on the first outing??? maybe foster to adopt #2?? YIKES! we don't even have #1 home yet, and i am already thinking about how the rest of our family will come??what is my deal?? One thing we know for sure: we know this is the direction we should go -- we are now with a really good agency, with a good reputation, and who have been good to us thus far... So, as far as making the next line of decisions -- So many questions unanswered... i know our babies are out there, and that they'll come to us as is meant to happen.. but wow. it's been an interesting road to say the least... In many ways, the biggest SIGN on the road to adoption is this one "Amy YOU CANNOT PLAN AND CONTROL EVERYTHING" ---
If I have learned ANYTHING in this process, it is to live day by day, enjoying each day for what it is worth... we'll find out our destiny as the days unravel.. and let fate decide -- emotionally and parent wise, we'll see what is meant to be and try not to control everything!! And hope to be open minded to see the signs present themselves to us along the way... And, hey, i can EVEN begin to admit that, we may not see the signs as we move forward.. rather, when we get "there" we may look back and say "ah... we didn't realize that was a sign"...

So, signs. Looking more patiently, taking each day as it brings them... But, I know that they will come. And, with it, so too will they bring us closer to our children...