Choices We Make...

What choices have you made lately that you know you may always question if you let yourself think about it enough?
Well, it's 1:50 on Sat Nov 15 -- A day and time I had hoped for the last several weeks would find me sitting on a plane, next to a woman I am blessed to be able to call a friend. Bethany and I would be zooming off to Atlanta to meet Patricia, then fly onto Managua, Nicaragua. After my last talk to the coordinator of our adoption agency, we were "getting close" , and he hoped to call us really soon (and that was in October), so I knew pushing this trip in may be my last humanitarian one, other than the one we pray we will get to do in Russia. Joan and Kim will be arriving in Managua tomorrow. I have been hauling a*!!**! to get my dissertation data done, both with the goal of having it near completed when we got "our call", and so that I could go on this trip. Little did I know that I would get myself to the point of literally being at a pinnacle moment in my dissertation and going would disrupt the process -- The point that people had warned me "suddenly you'll be at a point overlooking your data and go say 'so close,do whatever it takes to FINISH'.." I had always thought "no, i've always been a multi-tasker and it'll probably be a bit different for me... not so..
As well, unfortunately there is yet to be coverage for me at my CHOP job, so when I take "off" it means I take my laptop and cell phone with me, and that was not an option for Nicaragua to do that level of work when down there. So, I was facing a pinnacle moment for my dissertation, and a job that is easy 30 hours/week to play catch up heading into the holidays... and several amazing families abroad that we are working with who would not get the development/attachment input if i went to managua.... Still thinking that we should get "the call" anyday now, I began to think going to Managua may not be the best choice.
So, here I sit, having spent the full day so far on CHOP work and now digging into my PhD data... bummed I am not joining my friends, wondering about the children I will miss getting to know, and wondering: who have I become? I have always been about the adventure, about the child, about the opportunity to support kids in orphanages however I can, and to equally do the same for families hoping and finally succeeding in bringing them home. To chose "practical" over who I am to the core is really disconcerting.
I spoke w/ our agency on Thursday and, to our disappointment, learned that we have moved further down the list -- no longer near the top b/c of families switching from another country to Russia and on the girl list have decided they'd open their hearts and homes to a boy, etc... We should not expect to hear from him until sometime in the new year -- i like this agency, the people who work there, etc -- i trust them that they will do the best they can to make it happen.. But, it Gave me some hope of "go get on that plane Saturday" while another voice nagged, "just get the dissertation DONE, over with, kaput and be ready for the call vs. scrambling when it comes".. Practical, reality based. As so many decisions have been lately. Of course, aside from that one that was really me on Oct 10, but those are so few and far between and while fun, that was way short lived little flying adventure!! Overall, where is my adventure? where is my purpose in life? I feel so little of myself, and so disconnected from what I thought my purpose in life was because of the choices of the recent years slowly pulling me further away in order to "get to" the big goal/purpose: having as many children as our home can hold, who were living in orphanages, foster care, etc.. and loving them.. doing my best to help them thrive to the best they can.....Where did the person go that Jeff fell in love with all those years ago? The laid back goofball who had a solid career and wanted nothing more than to adopt as many kids as possible while having a big life adventure of hiking, camping, and goofball fun together?
I'd like to think, and will continue to hope, that I am still there... Remind myself that I did go to Romania last year and take a group of students, right in the middle of my last year of coursework, while balancing 2 "outside PhD assistantship" jobs.. when most PhD students don't even work 1 job outside their assistantship & coursework... and that I can't do everything...
The choices we've made in the last years to save money, get Jeff thru school, get me in and now almost thru school -- they've all been towards our goal of family -- but do you ever feel you just keep making choices that you hope are getting you somewhere, and they really aren't?
So here I sit -- 2 good friends off on a new adventure together, our threesome "MAS" club minus one.., scouting out a place I wrote a grant for Misericordia students to be able to go 2x/year.. and hopefully Bethany will bring 2 groups/year of delaware students down -- A choice to help was made and completed.. A choice that led to a great chance to get to know an amazing woman (the director of Adoption Hope International) and collaborate with her towards the design of what will hopefully be better opportunities for children and staff at these orphanages.... But, a choice to sit this one out while I try to finish something else I started.
And hope that at the end of all the choices is the golden treasure we are hoping for... A family.
I sure do hope the choices take us to that place...
Where can we buy that crystal ball? Sure would make the choices easier...
May you find that the ones you make are taking you where you hope them to!
And if you are not sure, give me a call. I suspect I am not alone in this world wondering about choices.